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You can't save me

Jul. 11th, 2008 | 09:56 pm
location: Home
mood: depresseddepressed
music: Be my enemy - dunno the band

I feel on the edge of breaking down, for some reason the depression has hit me pretty hard. I'm fighting the urge to take a blade to myself again. It's an urge i haven't had in a long time but it's still so damn hard to ignore, i know what's causing it but that doesn't help with the urges. I still crave it as much as i did two and a half years ago.

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stolen from char

Jan. 29th, 2008 | 04:09 pm
mood: boredbored

1. Name:
2. Birthday (age is optional - I understand if y
1. Name:
2. Birthday (age is optional - I understand if you don't want to share ;) ):
3. Where do you live:
4: What are you studying/What are you working as:
5. What makes you happy:
6. What are you listening to now/have listened to last:
7. What is particularly good/bad about my LJ:
8. An interesting fact about you:
9. Are you in love/have a crush at the moment:
10. Favourite place to be:
11. Favourite lyric:
12. Best time of the year:
13. Weirdest food you like:

1. A film:
2. A book:
3. A song:
4: A band:

1. One thing you like about me:
2. Two things you like about yourself:
3. Put this in your lj so I can tell you what I think of you.ou don't want to share ;) ):
3. Where do you live:
4: What are you studying/What are you working as:
5. What makes you happy:
6. What are you listening to now/have listened to last:
7. What is particularly good/bad about my LJ:
8. An interesting fact about you:
9. Are you in love/have a crush at the moment:
10. Favourite place to be:
11. Favourite lyric:
12. Best time of the year:
13. Weirdest food you like:

1. A film:
2. A book:
3. A song:
4: A band:

1. One thing you like about me:
2. Two things you like about yourself:
3. Put this in your lj so I can tell you what I think of you.

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thoughts =)

Sep. 13th, 2007 | 04:18 pm
mood: contemplativecontemplative
music: who I am hates who I've been - relient k

So I decided to update.
I'm the happiest I have been in a long time, everything seems to be going good lol *waits for something bad to happen*
 lmao no but seriously I am barelly even getting down these days.

anyways onto my point in this blog, people and their hypocritical behaviour.
I am a vegetarian, I am not a push it down your throat, yell at you, call you a murderer, scream and carry on at you if you eat meat vegetarian however, I believe choice is choice and this is my choice.
So why do so many people, apon hearing I am a vegetarian, try and make me justify my choice? why do they try and present reasons why being a meat eater is a better choice? why do they feel as though it's acceptable to argue their case and try and force their choice on me? yet if I were to do the same I'd be nothing but a pushy vegetarian trying to force my lifestyle on others.
It happened during a course I did earlier this year, these two girls laughed at me for my choice, and proceded to basically tell me I am a stupid fool and Im making myself sick when I dont eat meat.
it took alot to not yell at them, because they were being bitches basically, it also took alot not to point out that it has been proven that TO MUCH MEAT makes you sick, gives you alot of health problems and that red meat has been linked to many cancers *blah, blah, blah* none of this is why I dont eat meat, but still if done correctly a vegan lifestyle is one of the healthiest lifestyles one can live (key words there...if done correctly).
it takes everything I have to not ratle of the list of healthy, I repeat HEALTHY vegetarian and vegan celebrities, famous people who go to doctors regularly and crap, theres a ton of them. 
I just get annoyed at people because Im not a psycho vegetarian. Im not a force it down your throat, spazz if meat is anywhere near me kinda girl.
I dont care, its your choice...not mine.
so why do so many people in society think its okay for them to force thier choices on me and try and convince me that they are right?


ooh p.s. here's some pics of Charlie for kat lol

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quiz from char ages ago

Jul. 23rd, 2007 | 02:05 pm
mood: complacentcomplacent
music: unpredictable - last week

I know –

that everything has a purpose on this earth 
I believe – in fighting for what I believe in (not violent fighting though)
I fought – to live? And then tried to kill myself as a teenager lol
I love – the world. So much beauty in it 
I need –
to trust someone 
I take – never without asking
I hear – music
I drink – Coffee
I hate – bullies 
I use – lyrics to express myself
I want – for something…that I’ll probably never get
I decided – to ignore most of the world, they’re idiots 
I like – serenity, music, life, my nieces and nephews 
I am - trying
I feel – as char said alone, even in a crowded room 
I left – my belief in humans at the door 
I do – my best 
I hope – someday to meet him in heaven 
I dream – for a better world 
I drive – myself mad? 
I listen – to everything intently
I type – fast?
I think – about everything
I wish – I could make a change
I compensate – for things
I regret – a lot of things, but they were all life lessons to be learned 
I care – about a lot of things 
I should – not analyse everything so much 
I am not always - content 
I said – not enough of what I should have
I wonder – if I should have taken you seriously that night 
I changed – my thoughts?
I cry – not that often? And over things which no one needs to know about
I am – unique? Just like everyone else
I am not – as confidant as you would think 
I lose – a lot of things, a lot.
I leave – never without saying goodbye

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cutters warning label

Jul. 16th, 2007 | 02:55 am
mood: coldCold!
music: falling away / wounded - good charlotte

3 words.

Cutting warning label....

....before you make that first cut remember. You will enjoy this. You will find the blood and pain release addictive. Even though you think you can make a few tiny cuts that aren't deep and will heal easily ...they will get deeper. They will scar. They will take sometimes months to heal!!! And years for the scars to fade! IF you think you can limit the cutting to one area of your body think again...it will spread when you run out of skin. Be prepared to withdraw from others and live in a constant state of shame. Even if you are the most honest person ever to live ....you will find yourself lying to the people you love. You will jerk back from your friends when they touch you as if their hands were dipped in poison. You will be terrified that they will feel something under the cloth of your shirt or because it just plain hurts so much to be touched.

Be prepared to get so out of control you fear your next cut because you don't know how bad it will be. Just wait for 10 cuts to turn into 100....Be prepared for your entire life to revolve around thinking about cutting ..cutting and covering up cutting And just wait till that first time you cut "too deep." And you freak out because the blood won't stop...and you are gaping....and you feel yourself shaking all over. You are having a panic attack and you are terrified but you can't tell anyone. So you sit there alone...praying it will be ok swearing you'll never let it go this far again...But you will and further. Don't worry, you will learn how to take care of your cuts so that you can go deeper and deeper and avoid the ER. And the better you get at treating your cuts the deeper they get.

You will lie to yourself and justify it when you find youself spending 20, 30 or 50 dollars every time you go the pharmacy. You will feel the flutter of your heartbeat everytime you go to the counter to ring up your order. Butterfly strips...3 or four different kinds of dressings... betadine.... antibiotic cream... medical tape... scar reducers..... You will tap your foot impatiently hoping the line will just move and no one will stare at you or wonder why you need all these things. And at the same time secretly hope someone will notice... someone who is standing in line with an armful of the same supplies... someone who understands but of course that never happens.
Medical supplies won't be the only thing you spend all your money on. Be prepared to buy a new wardrobe... longsleeve shirts in summer colors, bracelets, wristbands, boots... gloves... the list goes on and on.
You will start looking at everyone in a differnent way... Scanning their bodies for any signs of SI... just hoping that you might meet someone like you so you don't feel so terribly alone. You wont even think about it ... as your eyes scan their wrists arms... hoping just hoping they will be like you.... But they are not. You will see their clean arms and feel terribly ashamed and alone.
You will start doing a lot of things alone. You will always have to wash your laundry in private so know one sees the blood stains on your clothes and towels. You will always be cleaning up the blood... Scrubbing your bathroom floor... wiping the blood off your keyboard....

You won't be able to make it through a day without cutting.... Next thing you know you are in a public bathroom somewhere breaking open a scab with a sewing needle that you keep in your wallet for emergancies. When you get really desperate anything will be a cutting tool... scissors... a car key... a needle... a paperclip... even a pen. Doesn't matter what it is if you need to cut bad enough you will find something.

Say goodbye to things you took for granted. Like wearing shorts or sandals... pedicures... sleeveless tops.

A normal summer day at the beach or in a swimming pool will become a far off memory for you.

Get ready to itch. Beacuase you will itch and itch ..."so much you will look like you have fleas or a skin disease."

You will become an expert on your body as you destroy it carefully... You will dream about cutting... you will dream about being exposed. It will haunt you day and night and take over your life. You will wish you never made that first cut because while you absolutely HATE cutting...at the same time you love it and can not live with out of it.

You have been warned...

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Gay couple adopting a child

Jun. 14th, 2007 | 11:06 pm
location: Goodbye (I'm Sorry) - And Then I Turned Seven
mood: aggravatedaggravated

hmm so it's been on the news alot, I personally think good on them. Who cares? if someone wants to give a child a loving, stable and safe environment why should their sexuality matter?
who does our society care so much?
Most of the anti people are saying "oh but a child needs both parents to succed in life" but most children don't have both parents involved in their lives, it's only considered weird and not normal because our society regards it as weird and not normal....
50 years ago single parents were regarded as weird and not normal, now most children are raised mostly by one parent...
The only issues the child will have are those caused by our society...it wont think omg how weird I have two daddies instead of a mummy and a daddy because that is what it will be accustom too.
Our society needs to move on, accept that people are differant and grow up.
Seriously what does it matter?

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Jun. 14th, 2007 | 02:53 pm
mood: irateirate
music: Hero, Heroine - boys like girls

Sorry char, I really shouldn't have spazzed about it *hugs*.

eh idk nothing really to say except sorry. 

it's your opinion and you are entitled to it x| it was kinda hypocritical of me to spazz because I'm a firm believer that everyone should be entitled to say what they want too.

Hope I didn't hurt your feelings because I didn't mean too.

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And Maybe You Found Someone Who'll Love You Right

Jun. 12th, 2007 | 02:40 am
mood: amusedamused
music: Daphne loves derby - sun

Bands that I'm loving right now, 
and that you all should totally check out are
the hush sound + october falls + punchline + Daphne Loves Derby. lol

"City Traffic Puzzle"

Escape into the eerie night
In the dark I'm out of sight
Shadows on the alley wall
Are dancing like a lovers brawl

North south east and west
Foreign land is right and left
Don't let them see you cry
I didn't know which way was home
Ten degrees without a coat
Don't let them see you cry

I don't want to love you if love leaves me this cold
I don't want to love you if love is this alone

Silence couldn't stop the sound
The news and gossip got around
A whisper here whisper there
I do but don't know why I care

Eyes hang from the sockets of our faces
You said no and I don't think I can take it
This cars caving in
Rains on in the city traffic puzzle
Shifting pieces just like my stomach
Were both so upset
Love sick and were sick of it
Were both on the same page
Don't feel the same way

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Jun. 6th, 2007 | 12:41 am
mood: depresseddepressed
music: beating heart baby - head automatica

There's so much I want to say, yet I lack the words to say it.
I'm not sure where to even begin, or even if I want to begin saying it. Because to say it reveals so much, to say it would allow every defense I have to be taken down...gone just like that.

We had to do this tihng in class the other day, a culture thing. Listing common traits we share with friends / family / co workers etc.
And I couldnt do it, because I share no common trait with any of those I care about.
I'd rather stay home, listen to music, play computer games and / or do some web coding than go out and get drunk.
I'd rather hang around and be a complete dork than be "cool". I'd rather discuss music, movies, philosophy or anything other than sex, alcohol and my "experiances".

I'm incline to get overly excited everytime I find a new band. Or learn a new computer thing. And most of the time if feels as though no one else here really cares, they're like ..."oh that's nice....why do you talk about music so much" me "well..uh..I ju" them"OMG YOU TOTALLY FUKED HIM...sorry what were you saying?" me "oh never mind" *looks at the ground*. 

idk sometimes so many words build up inside, to say them would probably cause alot of problems.
There's alot of things I want to tell people, but it'll change the entire way things exist. So I don't both.

I feel discontent and disconected, I feel odd.

So many things I think you wouldnt understand.


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Stupid lj -_-

May. 20th, 2007 | 10:49 pm
location: the only song - sherwood
mood: aggravatedaggravated


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